Body Journey

As a woman, and human, I am always trying to learn and improve. Learn about life and listen to other's journeys and lessons to grow in my life and be a better person. One area that I feel a majority of people, largely women, struggle with is body image. Unfortunately, I am no exception.

I know that there is a movement happening around me that encourages women to embrace who they are on the outside; that we are all beautiful, but at the same time there is a social media storm of abuse towards women and their imperfect bodies. How are we having both narratives happening at the same time? What I've also come to see is that it is woman-on-woman body shaming is happening most often in the social media realm. Why are we not uplifting each other? Why is it that we feel the need to put down someone for their body/looks? What I think is happening is the people who are shaming others are outwardly projecting their own insecurities onto others to sooth their own body issues. I have heard a few influential women discussing this issue lately, and it sparked something in me; made me want to discuss my experiences and reflect.

Body image issues start young. Daughters get their first taste of how they are supposed to feel about their bodies from how their mother feels about her own. If her mother is always speaking negatively about her body, verbally saying what she wishes were different, or never seeming to love her body, this is what the little girl sees; this is what the little girl thinks is normal. She learns that women need to strive for perfect bodies, and this should be a primary focus in her adulthood. Self hatred and the search for perfection starts young.

The battle for the "perfect" body only worsens as we get older.

By middle school I was already hypersensitive to the girls around me, and noticed that my body type did not match theirs. I was blessed with my Mimi Betty's hips and my mother's short stature. With these genetic curvy cards that I was dealt, I have always been an athlete. I have played sports since I was small, but I have never, ever fit in to the athlete body-type mold. I have always had a curvy body. As early as 5th grade, I realized that my wide hips and larger-than-most bust size made me different; this was the last thing a middle school girl wants-to stand out. I wanted to just fit in with all of my basketball besties and classmates. Of course, these body insecurities were self-inflicted at this time. None of my girl friends looked at my body in a negative light. They were, and have always been my biggest fans and supporters no matter what my exterior size/shape. These ladies have remained my biggest and purest support system for well over 25 years. They are proof that women can lift and hold each other up.

Moving into high school, my body seemed to be even more different from my friends. I had rolls in places that none of them did. My chest was still a lot bigger than most, and I did not look like the hard-working athlete that I was. I worked super hard at whatever sports practice or game I had that day, and never really saw the fit body results I desired. As a 3 sport athlete, I never was sitting still. However, not only did I look and feel different in a uniform, I looked different in school clothes to the boys too. All of my friends had a constant stream of  boys flirting and asking them to hang out on weekends, and I never had that experience. I told myself it was for the best because they all were experiencing such drama with the boys, but who wouldn't like a little positive attention? I had plenty of friends that were boys, but I always remained in the dreaded friend-zone.

I had 3 major crushes in my younger years, but since I did not fit their preferred body type, I certainly was never going to admit that I had feelings for them. They would never know! High school proved that being friends with the boys was as close as I was going to get to a boyfriend. Friend-zone-land was a hard space to live in.

When I went to college, I assumed the boys, and people in general, would be more open-minded and accepting of my curves....I was wrong. Within the general student population, I did not stand out, but as a PE major, I did not look like all of the super-fit athletes that I was in class with all day. Looking back, I was a size 12 going into freshman year- average. But, it was clear in my eyes (because I was with physically beautiful humans in all of my classes) I did not look the part. It wasn't until professors started pointing it out to me that I realized others were judging me on my exterior too; It wasn't just my own negative self image that was out in the universe-others saw me as less-than because of my stature as well. As a disclaimer, I did fluctuate with my weight throughout college. I did gain weight, lose it, gain it back. Because of the yo-yo-ing, I was naturally the one that caught glances from professors in class when they were discussing professional appearance. I was the one who when articles that laid out the latest statistics on how unlikely it was for an obese person to get a job in physical education were slid onto my desk, professors lingered by me a few seconds longer. I would not get a job because it would appear to my students and my peers that I do not practice what I preach- a healthy lifestyle and lifelong fitness. I was the one that had to have private, longer than normal, body composition and weight conversations with professors because they were concerned for my future and my probable failure in upcoming job interviews. In hindsight, I know their intent was to help me. They did care about me, and I truly loved my college education, my professors, and all of the PE majors I went through 4 years with. However, there were experiences that were not conducive to fostering and growing a body-positive attitude. After all, I was painfully aware that I did not look the part. But, teaching was my passion, and I was not going to let that piece stop me. I knew I was good at the teaching part, the ill-equipped body would have to be fixed.

My journey for a "good" body continued. There were times when I was very over weight, and times when I was average, but I still felt too large regardless of my actual size. In early adulthood, I was prescribed a horrible diet pill by a doctor who mentioned my thyroid was under active in passing instead of it being a diagnosis of any sort. In his opinion, the under active thyroid was not cause for weight gain or the inability to lose it, but the cause of my excess weight was obviously because I was "lazy" and was "eating like a pig"- neither of these things were based in truth, but I took the beating from a professional, because he must know something I did not- after all, he was the expert here.

If you've read any of my other blogs you know that through my process of figuring out many things related to my body, my journey with food and how it really affects the body began around this time. I had a new, kind and understanding doctor that made a connection with my weight, yucky stomach issues, and thyroid problems, suggesting I get rid of gluten. I continued to work out as best I could, using what knowledge I had from my athlete days. I never really saw huge progress, and my self body-shame never really left. I felt I would never really reach that body I had always wanted.

I tell this long story to get to a point about loving yourself. It seems like such a simple concept- you should make an effort to love yourself, inside and out. The inside part has always been easier for me. I know who I am, but loving the outside has been a much larger and harder barrier to hurdle over. I know I am not alone in this. I know it is a universal problem. We look at all of the people around us, Instagram models, celebrities, models, the people on our TV screens, and think how we could look better.

My pending second profession sometimes plays on this insecurity. But, there is a fine line between wanting to improve our health for ourselves, and wanting to look better for others. As I get closer to getting my personal training certification, I realized that I had started doubting my ability to be in the profession- not because of my inability to have knowledge, or love for my clients- but because I do not look like a fitness model or guru. I do not fit the mold of what a personal trainer "should" look like. But, what I do know is that I am strong. I am proud of what I can do with my body. I can run, jump, lift heavy weights, flip tires, throw around a sledge hammer, and do all of this easily. I have come a long way on my body journey, and have to accept and love the little bulges where there "shouldn't" be any. My outsides don't look like a health magazine, but I know my insides are healthy and happy.

I see the beauty in other people and cannot understand why they see themselves differently in their mirrors, but I also understand. I have been there; and honestly some days still struggle.Rewiring negative body thoughts that have been ingrained is a super hard process that takes work every day. A life time of being told I do not fit the mold is not easy to overcome. I workout and am passionate about it because I see it as a reward for my body. I am giving my body the gift of healthy bones, muscles and organs by working out. I am not there working my hardest for anyone else but myself, and that is beautiful. I am, and will never be, a super small woman. But, I am ok with that. I am very healthy, and super strong. Being healthy and strong internally and mentally supersedes any desire to be a fitness model. The gift of health and happiness is what I hope to give to my clients.

It is not a perfect or easy journey fostering a healthy and positive body image, and it is one that will cycle throughout life. However, it is important to take the time to look in the mirror and find the beauty standing before you. What I've learned is that it is easy to stand there and find things you do not like, but change the rhetoric and truly look. Find the parts that are absolutely beautiful-they are there! You will start to realize there are many parts there to love. If you have a hard time believing it, remind yourself. Make eye contact with your reflection and proclaim it out loud! "You are BEAUTIFUL". All of us have beauty to offer the world, and we need to not only remind ourselves of this- we need to continuously remind each other. Lift each other up. We are together on this planet. We are not here for a long time, and we should do our best to be kind to each other, as well as ourselves while we're here. Take care of your body. Keep it healthy and happy.

If no one has told you today, you are beautiful, you are worth it-you are worthy.