Body Journey

As a woman, and human, I am always trying to learn and improve. Learn about life and listen to other's journeys and lessons to grow in my life and be a better person. One area that I feel a majority of people, largely women, struggle with is body image. Unfortunately, I am no exception.

I know that there is a movement happening around me that encourages women to embrace who they are on the outside; that we are all beautiful, but at the same time there is a social media storm of abuse towards women and their imperfect bodies. How are we having both narratives happening at the same time? What I've also come to see is that it is woman-on-woman body shaming is happening most often in the social media realm. Why are we not uplifting each other? Why is it that we feel the need to put down someone for their body/looks? What I think is happening is the people who are shaming others are outwardly projecting their own insecurities onto others to sooth their own body issues. I have heard a few influential women discussing this issue lately, and it sparked something in me; made me want to discuss my experiences and reflect.

Body image issues start young. Daughters get their first taste of how they are supposed to feel about their bodies from how their mother feels about her own. If her mother is always speaking negatively about her body, verbally saying what she wishes were different, or never seeming to love her body, this is what the little girl sees; this is what the little girl thinks is normal. She learns that women need to strive for perfect bodies, and this should be a primary focus in her adulthood. Self hatred and the search for perfection starts young.

The battle for the "perfect" body only worsens as we get older.

By middle school I was already hypersensitive to the girls around me, and noticed that my body type did not match theirs. I was blessed with my Mimi Betty's hips and my mother's short stature. With these genetic curvy cards that I was dealt, I have always been an athlete. I have played sports since I was small, but I have never, ever fit in to the athlete body-type mold. I have always had a curvy body. As early as 5th grade, I realized that my wide hips and larger-than-most bust size made me different; this was the last thing a middle school girl wants-to stand out. I wanted to just fit in with all of my basketball besties and classmates. Of course, these body insecurities were self-inflicted at this time. None of my girl friends looked at my body in a negative light. They were, and have always been my biggest fans and supporters no matter what my exterior size/shape. These ladies have remained my biggest and purest support system for well over 25 years. They are proof that women can lift and hold each other up.

Moving into high school, my body seemed to be even more different from my friends. I had rolls in places that none of them did. My chest was still a lot bigger than most, and I did not look like the hard-working athlete that I was. I worked super hard at whatever sports practice or game I had that day, and never really saw the fit body results I desired. As a 3 sport athlete, I never was sitting still. However, not only did I look and feel different in a uniform, I looked different in school clothes to the boys too. All of my friends had a constant stream of  boys flirting and asking them to hang out on weekends, and I never had that experience. I told myself it was for the best because they all were experiencing such drama with the boys, but who wouldn't like a little positive attention? I had plenty of friends that were boys, but I always remained in the dreaded friend-zone.

I had 3 major crushes in my younger years, but since I did not fit their preferred body type, I certainly was never going to admit that I had feelings for them. They would never know! High school proved that being friends with the boys was as close as I was going to get to a boyfriend. Friend-zone-land was a hard space to live in.

When I went to college, I assumed the boys, and people in general, would be more open-minded and accepting of my curves....I was wrong. Within the general student population, I did not stand out, but as a PE major, I did not look like all of the super-fit athletes that I was in class with all day. Looking back, I was a size 12 going into freshman year- average. But, it was clear in my eyes (because I was with physically beautiful humans in all of my classes) I did not look the part. It wasn't until professors started pointing it out to me that I realized others were judging me on my exterior too; It wasn't just my own negative self image that was out in the universe-others saw me as less-than because of my stature as well. As a disclaimer, I did fluctuate with my weight throughout college. I did gain weight, lose it, gain it back. Because of the yo-yo-ing, I was naturally the one that caught glances from professors in class when they were discussing professional appearance. I was the one who when articles that laid out the latest statistics on how unlikely it was for an obese person to get a job in physical education were slid onto my desk, professors lingered by me a few seconds longer. I would not get a job because it would appear to my students and my peers that I do not practice what I preach- a healthy lifestyle and lifelong fitness. I was the one that had to have private, longer than normal, body composition and weight conversations with professors because they were concerned for my future and my probable failure in upcoming job interviews. In hindsight, I know their intent was to help me. They did care about me, and I truly loved my college education, my professors, and all of the PE majors I went through 4 years with. However, there were experiences that were not conducive to fostering and growing a body-positive attitude. After all, I was painfully aware that I did not look the part. But, teaching was my passion, and I was not going to let that piece stop me. I knew I was good at the teaching part, the ill-equipped body would have to be fixed.

My journey for a "good" body continued. There were times when I was very over weight, and times when I was average, but I still felt too large regardless of my actual size. In early adulthood, I was prescribed a horrible diet pill by a doctor who mentioned my thyroid was under active in passing instead of it being a diagnosis of any sort. In his opinion, the under active thyroid was not cause for weight gain or the inability to lose it, but the cause of my excess weight was obviously because I was "lazy" and was "eating like a pig"- neither of these things were based in truth, but I took the beating from a professional, because he must know something I did not- after all, he was the expert here.

If you've read any of my other blogs you know that through my process of figuring out many things related to my body, my journey with food and how it really affects the body began around this time. I had a new, kind and understanding doctor that made a connection with my weight, yucky stomach issues, and thyroid problems, suggesting I get rid of gluten. I continued to work out as best I could, using what knowledge I had from my athlete days. I never really saw huge progress, and my self body-shame never really left. I felt I would never really reach that body I had always wanted.

I tell this long story to get to a point about loving yourself. It seems like such a simple concept- you should make an effort to love yourself, inside and out. The inside part has always been easier for me. I know who I am, but loving the outside has been a much larger and harder barrier to hurdle over. I know I am not alone in this. I know it is a universal problem. We look at all of the people around us, Instagram models, celebrities, models, the people on our TV screens, and think how we could look better.

My pending second profession sometimes plays on this insecurity. But, there is a fine line between wanting to improve our health for ourselves, and wanting to look better for others. As I get closer to getting my personal training certification, I realized that I had started doubting my ability to be in the profession- not because of my inability to have knowledge, or love for my clients- but because I do not look like a fitness model or guru. I do not fit the mold of what a personal trainer "should" look like. But, what I do know is that I am strong. I am proud of what I can do with my body. I can run, jump, lift heavy weights, flip tires, throw around a sledge hammer, and do all of this easily. I have come a long way on my body journey, and have to accept and love the little bulges where there "shouldn't" be any. My outsides don't look like a health magazine, but I know my insides are healthy and happy.

I see the beauty in other people and cannot understand why they see themselves differently in their mirrors, but I also understand. I have been there; and honestly some days still struggle.Rewiring negative body thoughts that have been ingrained is a super hard process that takes work every day. A life time of being told I do not fit the mold is not easy to overcome. I workout and am passionate about it because I see it as a reward for my body. I am giving my body the gift of healthy bones, muscles and organs by working out. I am not there working my hardest for anyone else but myself, and that is beautiful. I am, and will never be, a super small woman. But, I am ok with that. I am very healthy, and super strong. Being healthy and strong internally and mentally supersedes any desire to be a fitness model. The gift of health and happiness is what I hope to give to my clients.

It is not a perfect or easy journey fostering a healthy and positive body image, and it is one that will cycle throughout life. However, it is important to take the time to look in the mirror and find the beauty standing before you. What I've learned is that it is easy to stand there and find things you do not like, but change the rhetoric and truly look. Find the parts that are absolutely beautiful-they are there! You will start to realize there are many parts there to love. If you have a hard time believing it, remind yourself. Make eye contact with your reflection and proclaim it out loud! "You are BEAUTIFUL". All of us have beauty to offer the world, and we need to not only remind ourselves of this- we need to continuously remind each other. Lift each other up. We are together on this planet. We are not here for a long time, and we should do our best to be kind to each other, as well as ourselves while we're here. Take care of your body. Keep it healthy and happy.

If no one has told you today, you are beautiful, you are worth it-you are worthy.

Scale Wars

It's not your fault...entirely. We have been conditioned as a society to judge our bodies on our relationship with gravity and a scale. We base our ideas of our health and self-worth on one number. This has been forced into our brains, and continues to be.

Now, do not be confused....the scale number does indeed play a role in overall health, but it is not the only determining factor. What I am suggesting is that there is more to our picture of health then a scale reading. It is part of the overall equation, but should not be used in isolation to determine our health, or our worth for that matter.

When we are on a health and wellness journey, it should be just that-a health and wellness journey; not a scale journey. Do you ever hear anyone say they are on a scale journey? Of course not! That is ridiculous! A better view of our overall health is considering things such as  body composition (by measuring specific areas of the body and checking them over time to see how they changed), looking at our food consumption-what and how much we are putting into our bodies, physical activity and exercise routines, mental health care, sleep patterns, and lastly a scale measurement.

Fat loss is the goal. Not weight loss. 5 pounds of fat weighs the same as 5 pounds of muscle, but they function and appear very differently on the body frame. I would MUCH rather have 5 lbs of muscle on me then 5 lbs of fat. I don't want to lose that weight, I just don't want it to be fatty! It is known that muscle burns fat. After a great workout, it will continue to burn fat for hours afterwards. After putting in the hard work to build up muscle in your body, it can burn more fat, even while at rest. I feel that the stigma of women lifting weights is decreasing as people start to understand how the body truly works, but there are still some ladies, and men for that matter, who think women will appear manly if they lift weights. In order for that to happen, a woman would have to have a distinct genetic makeup. Most of us do not have excess testosterone running through our veins, and can handle quite a bit of weight training without looking like the man in the picture!

When you have more lean muscle on your frame, your body changes shape. I had so many people asking me how much weight I had lost (because that is the normal question to ask) but I had only lost about 3 at the time. What they were visibly noticing was fat loss and muscle gain! My body had a completely different shape without the lumpy and bumpy fat, and with the glorious addition of beautiful muscle! I gave my body the gift of muscle so that it could run better, burn more fat, and be strong! Feeling strong is a feeling unmatched in my book. It is liberating, freeing and powerful. 

I also became very aware of what I was putting in my body. If you've read any of my previous posts, you know I struggle with a lot of food issues. I have poor reactions to a large majority of processed foods, many fruits, gluten, and my arch nemesis-corn! When you begin to look at food labels, it is mind blowing how many things contain corn starch and/or syrup! Yuck! My main point being, staying on the outer parts of the grocery store will always suit you best. That's where most the fresh things that have had a life are stored! If it had life, it will give you life and nourishment. 

An aspect of overall health that people are finally recognizing as an critical piece is mental health and self care. Don't underestimate the positive effects of taking care of this portion of your body. The body is a magical machine that cannot run on all cylinders if some are broken down. Mental health is a part of the overall puzzle. Be sure to reflect and be self aware to ensure stability in this realm. I practice mindfulness everyday and feel refreshed when I take the time to be present and reflect on life and my day. Take the time to mentally relax.

One of my students is doing a research project right now on the importance of sleep. It seems like such an elementary level concept: getting enough sleep is good for you. Duh! We have also been told this since we were little, and this still holds true for all ages! Did you know that being stuck at a weight/fat loss plateau could even be caused by factors such as lack of sleep and stress? It seems impossible to lay down for 8 full hours at a time, but do your best each day to get as close as you can to that recommended benchmark. It will revitalize you in so many ways.

Taking care of the body encompasses many factors. Understanding where you are at health wise is not dependent on the number on the scale. You have to be reflective and look at the overall picture. If you find yourself gravitating toward that scale every day or many times a week, remember that it is just a tool in your box to help guide you. It is not the final definition of your health. Maybe just use it every 2 weeks to see your progress, but do not live and die by it's reading. You're more than just that number. Measure your arms, legs, hips, chest, and watch those numbers fall!  The scale can't tell you how much muscle you've grown, how healthy the food was that you ate this morning for breakfast, how your pants are fitting loose these days, how you killed leg day yesterday, or how the day you just spent with friends refreshed you mentally. A health and wellness journey is ongoing and takes work. To be your best self, you have to put your best into it. Do yourself a favor though, and don't use the scale as your only measure of success. Use a tape measure, your clothes and how they fit, how many smiles you shared today, how healthy the food was and how much of it that you put into your body today, how many hours of sleep you got last night, how many ounces of water you drank today, how your workout was, and yes, lastly, the scale. Make an effort to measure your health differently.

Finding My Fitness Sweetspot

Does this sound familiar?

Get up (hours before the sun, usually), bust my ass at work, get off (feeling exhausted), and drag myself to the gym for a workout. The last piece was the part of my day that I used to dread! 

As a lot of the population is, I was a member at a chain gym at that time. You know-one of those that you pay $10, go lift some weights, hop on some random machines (spend time waiting in line for them to be free), and hope for great results. I had no direction, no motivation, and I wasn't really that confident in myself. Having sub-par confidence made the task of going even more difficult. There would definitely be tiny, fit women there, walking around in their sports bras and little pants, and giant muscle-men strutting around begging to be stared at. Yuck. Not my scene! But, I went anyway- not as often as I "should" be going, but I went and suffered through the uncomfortable environment, awful music, and people that were just there to say they went, or that were there solely to reenact scenes from the bachelor. 

Now, this climate does work for many people. There are a lot of people who enjoy going for the social atmosphere and the small talk about nothing- I am just not one of them. I liked my solitude when I was working out. I hadn't really hit my work out stride yet, but I made every effort to try to get there.

At that point, I knew how to work out. I went to school for physical education, I was around athletes all my life, hell, I was an athlete. Working out was not necessarily the hardest part. My surroundings, and lack of change was what was hard for me. I found it hard to go in, and have the same general cookie-cutter work out day in and day out. Looking back, there were variations I could have made within my routine to make my work outs more enjoyable, but I just wasn't really confident in straying away from what I knew, and the comfort of the machines. That was until it all changed.

One day, someone important in my life stumbled upon an boxing gym. The thought of walking into a boxing gym was terrifying. I have never boxed, I knew very little about the sport, and I was very scared to be judged on my lack of skill. But, despite my fears, I went to give it a try. I dragged my sister with me because hell, if I had to suffer and look like a fool, so did she! 

As it turns out, that morning we took the plunge, it was the morning after a fight night. There was literally no one in the gym other than the owner. None of the fighters or coaches were there because they were all still sleeping from the event the night before, and at the time we went, the morning class was over and people had cleared out from that as well. This immediately helped calm my nerves. I got some basic instruction from the owner of the gym, and then he had us get in the ring to work mitts with him. Want to feel like an instant bad-ass? Climb in a boxing ring! Now, it did take some coaxing to get me in there...it seemed intense and aggressive at first, but from the moment that I climbed in, I knew that I had found my fitness sweet spot.

I became a member that day. I looked around the gym and saw endless work out possibilities. There was a variety of equipment. There were lots of things I had always wanted to try (sledgehammer, giant tires to flip, battle ropes) and they were all now at my disposal! For me, this was what I never knew I was missing! Not for nothing- I also got to go, strap on my gloves, and punch bags and work mitts! What was not to love!? After a long day at work, it is nice to go hit things in a safe and supportive environment.

Once I found my gym home, I also found my gym family. The people I met here were people I wanted to talk to. They were there because this was also their work out safe-haven. Connections were easy to make here. I wanted to go to the gym to work out and be healthy, but I also found myself wanting to go to see my gym family members. Even some of the professional fighters and their trainers welcomed us, and gave us pointers on how to throw punches more effectively! I found myself there 5-6 days a week! Who was I becoming? 

As I continued to go, I started to realize that I am strong. Not just strong physically, but mentally as well. This realization began to grow my confidence. I started seeing results with my body that I had not ever seen before. But, it wasn't even all about the outside appearance that made me better. It was the mental shift that I was able to make. I was able to transition from "I have to go work out", to "I get to go work out". I began to see that working out is not something that I need to do to punish myself for food I have eaten, or for a lazy week- it is something that I now see as a reward. I am rewarding my body every time I step foot in that gym. I am saying "Look at what you can do! Look how strong you are!". This mental shift has made a world of difference for me.
I still hear friends and family saying that they have to go to the gym. I know it is ingrained in us to think fitness is something we have to do to maintain health, but for me it is so much more than that. It is a mental health saver too. I am more confident and mentally strong. I am able to handle things that are thrown at me in a better manner, I am not as stressed (punching things helps that piece), and I consciously use my time in the gym as my therapy time. Fitness as therapy is a beautiful thing.

If you have not found it in your soul to see exercising your body as a privilege, maybe you are also in the wrong gym or in the wrong work out routine. Actively search for your sweet spot. Find your fitness tribe; your gym/fitness family. Find that place where fitness becomes your life therapy session and your body reward each day.

With my new challenge of becoming a personal trainer, I hope that I can be that safe and sweet spot for my future clients. I hope that I can help others to see that with the right environment and support, fitness is super fun! Please join me on my journey, and I would love to support you in yours!